I remember the first moment I got behind the wheel of a car like it was yesterday. Partly because my little cousins remind me of it every time I see them and partly because it's kind of funny in a humiliating way.

I think it was probably a year or so before I was allowed to get my permit and my dad learned to drive early so he thought he'd keep the tradition alive.

I'm sitting in the driver's seat on a random afternoon, fiddling with the mirrors and I can hardly contain my excitement - I get the privilege of pulling the car into the garage.

My dad stands next to the door in the garage and he's directing me to where I need to go, instructing me on how to avoid hitting the sides of the garage and not to pull the wheel too hard.

This nervous, jittery thrill pulsed through my veins and I honestly wasn't listening to a word he said because I just wanted to pull into the garage.

He said, "Ok now I want you to let the emergency brake down and take your foot off the brake."

The moment had come. I did what I was told and listened to what he said next.

"You did it?" (insert eager shake of the head). "Good job. Now I want you to press the gas and then--"

and then he was laid out on the hood of my car.

He was laid out on the hood of my car because I hit him with it.

I hit him with it because I laid my foot down on the gas.

Luckily, when I hit him I slammed on the brakes and didn't run through the front door of my house.

He lived. And he was lucky because I didn't hit the house (But no worries, several years later I would actually hit the house).

My history of wrecking things doesn't end there. I catch kitchen equipment on fire. I spill my lunch trays on my friends as I'm sitting down to eat. And thats only if I'm lucky enough to avoid dropping them on the lunchroom floor on the way to my seat, because yes, I am that person, and yes, custodians hated me in elementary school.

In all honesty, I'm a mess. and so is my life. and so is my bedroom.

I'm a walking, talking tornado. And if you ask my mom, I do a crappy job at cleaning up what I destroy in my wake.

And there are moments through the midst of all of these messes, that usually end up with my face beet red and flustered, that I question whether or not I am chosen.

Why would a perfect, Holy God choose someone so small as me?

Why would He want to pay attention to a 17-year old girl who has no plans for her future, no extraordinary hobbies, no winning smile?

In these moments, like David, I wonder,

"Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?"
--Psalm 13:1–2

For how long, Father will I feel like a failure?

And so I start talking to my parents. I start reading my Bible. I start scouring over my most-trusted blog favorites and I start praying.

And as I scramble for answers, for a reason to keep on messing things up, just as I begin to feel like I am going to drown in the chaos of my furious storm, just as the waves come crashing onto my boat, just as I begin to panic, He goes, "You of so little faith, why are you so afraid?"

And then I feel God's calm cover my storm, just as He did the disciples' storm in Matthew 8:23-27.

He covers it in little things, like an A on my report card. Or a smile from a stranger. Or a really funny movie. And sometimes it's as simple as being able to get up when my alarm goes off.

He counsels me in the middle of my confusion and doubt.

And I will rejoice in my Lord always.

We are chosen despite our messes. And He uses our messes to remind us and others of His perfection.

Because even though I might never know how to properly use a microwave, my spirit will forever be fed by my Provider.

And even though there are moments that I wonder how on His beautiful green Earth I passed the drivers' test, His guiding hand will never leave my side.

So don't you ever forget that He will never leave yours.

“You have made known to
me the path of life; you fill me
with joy in your presence, with eternal
pleasures at your right hand"
--Psalm 16:11

​If you're like me, don't quit making messes. Well, learn from my mistake and don't hit your house with a car. But don't be afraid to be who you are because The Lord is going to glorify Himself through your life so long as you say, "I do".

Ps. Honda the Honda Accord (I'm creative at coming up with names) is still going strong. Her white (from the house) and crimson (from my friend's car) (yes, I've hit more than simply my dad and my house) scars brighten up her gold paint. We've lived a happy and adventurous 6 months together.

Maybe you're wondering why I took the liberty of writing you a letter rather than just telling you this word vomit in person. I mean I live with you so it would appear to be simpler. But I'm writing to you because there are a lot of things I don't know how to say out loud without situations getting really awkward and sap isn't really our thing. But in this moment, I welcome it.

I want you to know that in everything you do, you'll always have a person standing next to you, whether you happen to be in the wrong or the right (hint: it's me). Nothing you do will ever make me look at you in a different light other than the occasional "you're kinda stupid" face and that's just because sometimes you are and I have rights to it because I'm your sister. But honestly, there's really nothing you can do to separate yourself from me. We're permanently linked (ha, sucker). 

Even though you don't think I understand all of the important dramatics of the 9th grade, I do. I've been there (only just 2 years ago) and I know how the boys act stupid and self absorbed whereas the girls can be catty. In fact, I'm sure there's been a time or two where I played the part.

You need to understand that life is full of unnecessary drama and misguided intentions and accidents that will suck royally. But they will never damage you unless you let them. So when you come home crying because he stopped texting you I want you to remember that though it hurts now, one day you'll laugh at how silly you were to be chasing a little boy who was blinded to the extraordinary significance that is you.

Because no boy's opinion of you can ever measure up to God's design for you. 

(PS. texting isn't a sincere form of communication therefore don't use it as a form of endearment. A heart eyes emoji will only get you so far in life (aka nowhere).)
(PPS. so I think it'd be good idea if you laid off the relationships based solely on texting for a while (or forever, whatever floats your boat).)

Thank you for not playing a part in the role of "mean girl" and please mind that your actions, especially your words, determine whether or not someone sees the light of Jesus within you. Don't let your feelings dictate whether or not someone else should know of the glorious gift that Christ freely gives to all people, because the people you dislike need Him just as much as you do. 

Know that you are my favorite person in this whole gigantic world and that even though there are moments that I would love to stick my finger in a light socket rather than goof off with you, they are nothing in comparison to the many thoughts that fly across my brain daily thinking of how to make you laugh or impress you. I look up to your lightheartedness and the simple ways you make people feel special and important and worthy of your time. 

Just because other people aren't like you doesn't mean you should stop being yourself. God made you uniquely. He has given you a purpose. And even though you aren't sure of what it is now, one day He'll show you. And you'll be in awe of how cool it is. 

Thank you for being great at directions, I don't know if I'd be able to get anywhere without your mapping skills and you're a great car companion despite the fact that you won't open the windows when you fart. And thanks for not making too much fun of me when I forget that the break pedal isn't the gas pedal and that right turn means right turn and not left. 

I look forward to spending the rest of my life with a best friend like you by my side and I'm excited to get the opportunity to spoil your future children and vacation together and see all of the wonderful things that The Lord has in store for your life. 

You're a really swell person.

Sincerely, Lex
​