Teach Me to Surrender

"These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite in spirit, and who tremble at my word, declares The Lord." -Isaiah 66:2

Simply stated, my prayer for this summer: Father, help me tremble. 

It's been so long since I've experienced God on an emotional level, years even. I've felt numb to the depths of the gospel, apathetic to power of the cross. I sit in church pews and acknowledge that The Bible is the true word of God, nod my head in obedience to its teachings, practice it, and leave feeling absolutely nothing. I bow my head in prayer each morning, spending an hour or two pouring through scripture, and close my Bible feeling tired and discouraged. 

So last Sunday (July 8th), I pitched a huge fit. Tears were shed, voices were raised, and my roommates just sat and held me as I cried out in frustration to what I felt had been God's abandonment. I was an Israelite, wandering the desert, praying for the promised land. I was Gideon waiting for dry ground and a wet cloth. I was Abraham awaiting what felt like an unfulfilled promise. 

I was experiencing so much confusion -- "God, I've given you my whole life. I've given you my summer, my school year, my desires, my feelings, my addictions - and yet my heart shatters when I think of how so many people don't know you. What have I done that they have not? How is grace beautiful when I have received what others haven't? What am I doing wrong?" 

"All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light has gone from my eyes...I am like the deaf, who cannot hear, like the mute who cannot speak; I have become like one who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.. Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior." Psalm 38:9-22

(P.s. who needs to write poetically when David literally describes every feeling I've ever experienced in the Psalms - am I right???) 

I woke up Monday morning drained, puffy faced, and truly not feeling like sharing the gospel. On the way to Florida International University (FIU), my roommates and I prayed peace over our day, we prayed that God's will would be done in spite of our reluctance, in spite of our unworthiness. We prayed that He would soften the hearts of those we would talk to, share our stories with, and we prayed that the results of our conversations would be entrusted to Him. 

So when we sat down for lunch and I pulled up DesiringGod real quick, I was surprised (in an eye-rolling, "God, are you serious?" kind of way) to see this article called, When God Isn't There, written by David Bowden (I'm not going to summarize it because I want you to go read it). I still find myself surprised when God shows up in unexpected, beautiful ways. After reading through it, we prayed and set off to look for people to share the gospel with. 

About half the day in, my friend pointed out a guy sitting by himself at a table a few tables in front of where we were walking. She asked if we could go talk to him, and when he said that he'd be happy to talk to us, we sat down with him and went through a set of cards called Perspectives that challenges people to communicate their religious beliefs in a very unbiased, conversational way. For privacy reasons, I'm just going to share that in the beginning of our conversation this boy didn't believe in a higher power, but by only what could be the grace of God, at the end of it he asked if he could know God in the way that we do. He prayed to receive Christ then and there. 

And I trembled. Trembled at how God can so simply call someone to walk from death to life. On any day, at any time, He can bring someone to Himself - and it literally changes the course of their eternal destination. Their life has been changed. Flip of a switch. There's no explanation for it, and I'm sure that I would think it's crazy if I hadn't experienced it for myself. But He works, He loves, in spite of my dragging feet, in spite of my disbelief, even especially when I don't think that He's going to move.

And we tremble. Because He is all-knowing and we are not. Because He is everything that we cannot be apart from Him - whole and loving and trustworthy and faithful. 

"We have great demands. but Christ has great supplies. Between here and heaven, we may have greater wants than we have yet known. But all along the journey, every resting place is ready; provisions are laid up, good cheer is stored, and nothing has been overlooked. The commissary of the eternal is absolutely perfect." -Charles Spurgeon

I don't have answers to all my questions, and I know that there aren't answers to some of them. But I know that God is moving and that He is good and that there is a reason for Him and a reason for me - even when I don't see it. 

It's a privilege to take part in His mission to win the hearts of His people. It's a privilege to exist knowing the Creator of the Universe, it's grace. So undeserving, yet so fulfilling. 

I just want to say thank you to those of you who have been praying for this mission trip. Thank you for taking part in others coming to know Christ, for loving the church. Miami is an incredible city - full of so many different people -  beautiful, broken, and seeking. Being here has been such a joy, and I'm so excited to enter into the last two weeks of being here. 

"[The enemy's] cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do The Lord's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of [God] seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." -C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters