2 Corinthians 4:8-12 says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that His life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

These words hit home so hard right now. As I look around at all that God's done in and through my life and the lives of those around me, my breath can't help but catch at just how glorious He truly is. 

I enjoy my major, I have the most incredible friends, I get to pour into the lives of some beautiful freshman girls, I just came home from a mission trip in a city that wrecked my life in the most beautiful way possible,

and my heart is just completely broken. 

"For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs on my head, and my heart fails within me... I am poor and needy, may The Lord think of me." Psalm 40

I didn't know that if you asked God to reveal sin in your life and to help you learn to surrender that He actually would. I'm not sure if I just didn't believe what I was praying, or if I simply failed to believe that God was the type to answer those kinds of prayers. 

One day I asked Him if He'd break my heart for what breaks His in the city of Statesboro. I'd been very apathetic to being home from Miami, didn't want to be back at school, and was wishing my life back in the city where I'd been blessed beautiful community with a heart for such broken people. I wanted to want to be back home. 

Driving around with a friend the other day, I was just completely unloading how un-inlove I felt with God. In previous posts I've spoken about how out of touch with my emotions I am in regard to The Lord, how I cannot feel His presence, how I'm not sure how to even ask Him to move my heart. 

We talked about Mark 12:20 which says, "Love The Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength," and she asked if maybe it was possible that I hadn't given Him my heart.

My first reaction was, of course! But upon more thought, I realized that there were probably some rooms inside it that I hadn't unlocked for Him. There were others that I might have let Him see but not unpack the boxes and clean the messes. My soul is washed in the blood, I am redeemed, but there are cracks and crevices inside that I hold onto with fear that they might be handled in ways that I don't want them to.

What if He calls me to give up even more than what I already have - my desires for marriage or kids? What will I do if I don't get to be a businesswoman in nonprofits? 

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Am I believing what The Word says about who Jesus is, trusting Him with my mind and my knowledge, being obedient to His call to share the gospel, but not surrendering my whole heart - my emotions, feelings, experiences, desires - to Him? Am I believing Him when He says, "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh?" (Ezekiel 36:26)

Do I retreat from my Father when I feel Him calling more of me to Himself? Do I treat Him as if He's going to leave me, break me, abuse me? Do I harden my heart towards Him?

I felt Him speak to my spirit that suppressing my disdain for parts of life and bitterness towards others is not the same as surrender. Pretending like I'm not broken does not make me less broken. It makes me prideful. 

How can He break my heart for what breaks His when I haven't given it to Him in the first place?

Well, I have nowhere else to go, no-one else to turn to. I know how good and faithful He is, I've seen it and experienced it before. This isn't the end, there's still so much work to do. He's given me people to love, pour into, share the gospel with, learn with, and grow with. 

Life doesn't end just because it gets hard. 

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? Run that you might obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Now that we've experienced the saving graces of Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection, we are compelled and enabled to share it with others! Not for ourselves, our egos, or reputation! But so that they might know who He is and how much He loves them and how much He desires to know them!

Thats why sanctification is so beautiful - the more I understand the depths of my sinfulness, the more I fall for The Lord's reckless, intentional love for His child. It's a joy. And it's uncomfortable, heart-wrenching, and chaotic. 

But it gives us a heart for the lost. 

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of The Father, we too may live a new life. For we have been united with Him in a death like His, we will certainly also be united with Him in a resurrection like His. For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been set free from sin." Romans 6:1-7

Oswald Chambers said in his book My Utmost for His Highest, "The greatest crisis we ever face is the surrender of our will. Yet God never forces a person's will into surrender, and He never begs. He patiently waits until that person willingly yields to Him. And once that battle has been fought, it never needs to be fought again."

​Teach me to surrender, Lord. 

"These are the ones I look on with favor: those who are humble and contrite in spirit, and who tremble at my word, declares The Lord." -Isaiah 66:2

Simply stated, my prayer for this summer: Father, help me tremble. 

It's been so long since I've experienced God on an emotional level, years even. I've felt numb to the depths of the gospel, apathetic to power of the cross. I sit in church pews and acknowledge that The Bible is the true word of God, nod my head in obedience to its teachings, practice it, and leave feeling absolutely nothing. I bow my head in prayer each morning, spending an hour or two pouring through scripture, and close my Bible feeling tired and discouraged. 

So last Sunday (July 8th), I pitched a huge fit. Tears were shed, voices were raised, and my roommates just sat and held me as I cried out in frustration to what I felt had been God's abandonment. I was an Israelite, wandering the desert, praying for the promised land. I was Gideon waiting for dry ground and a wet cloth. I was Abraham awaiting what felt like an unfulfilled promise. 

I was experiencing so much confusion -- "God, I've given you my whole life. I've given you my summer, my school year, my desires, my feelings, my addictions - and yet my heart shatters when I think of how so many people don't know you. What have I done that they have not? How is grace beautiful when I have received what others haven't? What am I doing wrong?" 

"All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light has gone from my eyes...I am like the deaf, who cannot hear, like the mute who cannot speak; I have become like one who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply. Lord, I wait for you; you will answer, Lord my God.. Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior." Psalm 38:9-22

(P.s. who needs to write poetically when David literally describes every feeling I've ever experienced in the Psalms - am I right???) 

I woke up Monday morning drained, puffy faced, and truly not feeling like sharing the gospel. On the way to Florida International University (FIU), my roommates and I prayed peace over our day, we prayed that God's will would be done in spite of our reluctance, in spite of our unworthiness. We prayed that He would soften the hearts of those we would talk to, share our stories with, and we prayed that the results of our conversations would be entrusted to Him. 

So when we sat down for lunch and I pulled up DesiringGod real quick, I was surprised (in an eye-rolling, "God, are you serious?" kind of way) to see this article called, When God Isn't There, written by David Bowden (I'm not going to summarize it because I want you to go read it). I still find myself surprised when God shows up in unexpected, beautiful ways. After reading through it, we prayed and set off to look for people to share the gospel with. 

About half the day in, my friend pointed out a guy sitting by himself at a table a few tables in front of where we were walking. She asked if we could go talk to him, and when he said that he'd be happy to talk to us, we sat down with him and went through a set of cards called Perspectives that challenges people to communicate their religious beliefs in a very unbiased, conversational way. For privacy reasons, I'm just going to share that in the beginning of our conversation this boy didn't believe in a higher power, but by only what could be the grace of God, at the end of it he asked if he could know God in the way that we do. He prayed to receive Christ then and there. 

And I trembled. Trembled at how God can so simply call someone to walk from death to life. On any day, at any time, He can bring someone to Himself - and it literally changes the course of their eternal destination. Their life has been changed. Flip of a switch. There's no explanation for it, and I'm sure that I would think it's crazy if I hadn't experienced it for myself. But He works, He loves, in spite of my dragging feet, in spite of my disbelief, even especially when I don't think that He's going to move.

And we tremble. Because He is all-knowing and we are not. Because He is everything that we cannot be apart from Him - whole and loving and trustworthy and faithful. 

"We have great demands. but Christ has great supplies. Between here and heaven, we may have greater wants than we have yet known. But all along the journey, every resting place is ready; provisions are laid up, good cheer is stored, and nothing has been overlooked. The commissary of the eternal is absolutely perfect." -Charles Spurgeon

I don't have answers to all my questions, and I know that there aren't answers to some of them. But I know that God is moving and that He is good and that there is a reason for Him and a reason for me - even when I don't see it. 

It's a privilege to take part in His mission to win the hearts of His people. It's a privilege to exist knowing the Creator of the Universe, it's grace. So undeserving, yet so fulfilling. 

I just want to say thank you to those of you who have been praying for this mission trip. Thank you for taking part in others coming to know Christ, for loving the church. Miami is an incredible city - full of so many different people -  beautiful, broken, and seeking. Being here has been such a joy, and I'm so excited to enter into the last two weeks of being here. 

"[The enemy's] cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do The Lord's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of [God] seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." -C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

​Wow. It’s been a super long time since I last posted. Life has gotten a little crazy and many of the words I once used to express myself here have escaped me. 
 
I stopped blogging because many areas of the world I was living in spiraled out of control, and I could not keep writing without being completely honest. I was writing for attention, approval, and acceptance from those who read what I shared and so I gave it up for a while – finding consolation in my journal rather than online.
 
However, I prayerfully chose to go on mission this summer and promised my prayer partners an update on life and what The Lord would be doing in the hearts of those that my team came in contact with in the next few months. So, I’m going to do that now – and prepare yourself for some brutal honesty here in the next few minutes, because one of the hearts He’s been pursuing has been mine – and I’m going to share that with you too. 
 
On June 2nd, my friend Lauren and I packed our belongings up into my little, brown CRV and drove 12 hours to the very tip of Florida, a huge melting pot of a city, called Miami (I’m sure you’ve heard of it). The entire duration of our little road trip consisted of talk of turning back, running away from our fears of the unknown and back into the arms of our loved ones. I didn’t want the traffic, I didn’t want a foreign bed, I didn’t want roommates as strangers, or even the uncomfortable process of growing in my faith. I wanted home – comfort. 
 
And then we got here. And I didn’t know my roommates, I lost my voice on the second day because I caught a horrible cold (no one knew what I actually sounded like for a whole week), driving in the city terrified me, the metromover terrified me, the hundreds of other languages terrified me, evangelism terrified me, and I felt completely out of place. 
 
But then God’s goodness completely wrecked my view of myself. 
 
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.” Colossians 3:1-4
 
If you’ve read my posts before, you know that I was exposed to pornography at the age of 10 by someone very close to me at the time (if you haven’t read my blog, you now know haha). What first began as childlike curiosity quickly manifested into lust, and before I even realized it, I was struggling with an addiction that left me feeling completely isolated, alone, and unworthy. It’s something that as I’ve come to know The Lord, I’ve seen redemption and freedom in fleeing the psychological effects of a child accustomed to the dehumanization of other people. Where I once experienced numbness to the value of humanity in God’s eyes, I became compelled to love others deeper than the surface of their skin – not because of anything I did, but because of what Jesus did for the world on the cross. 
But with addiction comes remission and relapse. And I experienced so much guilt in my out-of-control, lonely relapses. I wondered how I could want God and sexual pleasure, how I could choose what The Bible calls a sin over my relationship with The Lord, and how I could numb myself to the shame in order to fulfill my temporary desires. So, I quit writing here. Oftentimes we don’t share our struggles until we’ve overcome them – and that’s how I wanted it to be. However, I’ve come to understand that I’m never going to be without sin because, well, I am human. I will struggle with, fall to, and flee my human desires until my Heavenly Father calls me home to Himself. The beauty of His extended grace is that nothing I can ever do – or not do – can earn me a spot in eternal paradise. 
 
He took care of my future, and did even more than that:
 
Because The Lord gives me the strength to lay my temptations on the altar of my heart (on which He sits) every morning, and run from them when experiencing physical and emotional triggers throughout my day – in pursuit of Him. And it’s a joy to fill my spirit with The Word daily, knowing that true satisfaction doesn’t come from in front of a screen but from a Savior who cared enough to leave Heaven and endure Earth for my sake. 
 
I write all of that to say that I’ve learned not to be ashamed of my story, it will be used for the glory of God, it will be used by Him to draw others to Himself, and I count it a privilege and a blessing to be a part in the growing of Heaven here on earth. 
 
“For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption and the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:13-14
 
I’ve learned that humans are hungry for answers, they desire spiritual conversations, and they want to be a part of a design that is greater than themselves – and we, as believers, are called to share with them what their hearts long for – that there is one God who loves us all enough to forsake Himself and defeat the grave so that we might spend forever in His presence. How cool is that???
 
“For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him [Jesus], and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through His blood, shed on the cross.” Colossians 1:19-20
 
I’ve learned than in our greatest failures, The Lord reveals Himself in ways unexpected, in radical, life-changing, unexplainable ways that leave no question as to whom was behind the situation. 
 
“Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church.” Colossians 1:24
 
In the past 22 days of living here, I’ve learned to trust God more, embrace the uncomfortable while expecting God to move in ways that I cannot anticipate, and leave the results of faithfulness to Him – for everything that I am enabled to do for Christ is in His own strength. 
 
“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:7
 
The roads are now not so terrifying, my job is exciting, my roommates are an absolute joy to be in the presence of, learn from, and grow with, and I’m seeing God move in this stunning city – not only through the hearts of those on my team but through the hearts of those we come in contact with. Praise God that we’ve seen two people give their lives to Christ. 
 
“After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: Salvation belongs to out God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” Revelation 7:9-10
 
I ask that you pray for those on my team who have yet to find jobs, that they will not only find them quickly – but that The Lord will bless them with jobs that provide for their needs.
 
I ask that you pray for endurance as our staff leaves next week and we begin the process of living on our own. May peace that surpasses our own understanding be with us as we grow together as a team and trust The Lord to move abundantly on the college campuses of Florida Atlantic University, Florida International University, and Miami University in the coming weeks. 
 
I ask that you pray for the hearts of those we come in contact with – that they will be softened to the gospel and that their ears will open to hear what The Lord wishes for them to hear. May the words from our mouths not be our own, but words that come directly from The Holy Spirit living within us. 
 
Lastly, I ask that you pray that our summer mission will be fully funded – that those who are here will receive the support they need to live here, and that God will provide the means to stay. If this is something that you would be interested in learning more about, please click here: https://give.cru.org/1003750/
 
“May we never yawn at something for which our Savior bled. Instead, may we labor and long for the future that awaits us: the most diverse community in the history of the world, gathers as one around the throne of the Lamb.” – Doug Logan 
 
 

I would like to forward this post by saying that this is the first time I've blogged since March - and with intentional reason. You see, my writing became less about glorifying God and more about my reputation within the church. I was convicted of this, and chose to continue writing in my journal but remain rather private on here. I'm not sure when/if my blogging will continue, but this is just a slice of life right now. 

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because The Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance to the will of God." -Romans 8:26-27

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I moved 4 hours away to Georgia Southern University on a warm, humid August day. My life has changed drastically since rolling into the parking lot with no friends, no clue where anything was located on campus, and my mind playing out many fears regarding my future. A future that at the time I considered was my own to decide, when rather I am a vessel (1 Timothy 2:21) used for "every good work" in which The Lord provides me opportunities to love others and share the gospel - in and for His glory. 

Here are some of the things (funny & serious) that I've learned the past few months:
1.) Swallowing the fear to introduce yourself to someone you don't know is worth the friendship you     might get out of it. People aren't so scary after all. In fact, a lot of them are pretty cool.
2.) When you've grown up surrounded by fellow disciples of Jesus, it's easy to live under a facade that you are actively pursuing The Lord. The transition from pretending to live out one's faith to actually living it out is painful but worth it.
3.) In the event of a hurricane, don't freak out. Put your beta fish's tank in the bathtub (he can survive there without food for a week if he's special enough) and it'll all be fine. 
4.) Make time for your old friends in the midst of the chaos of making new friends. Your love and appreciation for the old ones will grow immensely. 
5.) Yield when making a right turn on red or you might just scuff up your pretty little CRV on the back of someone else's car. 
6.) Try not to complain even when the world throws you curveballs from every corner of your life. Your attitude is more positive and people like you better.
7.) Do. Your. Homework. & Do. Not. Skip. Class.
8.) Breathe spiritually throughout your day. Why fight sin on your own for several hours when you can surrender it to The Lord immediately and He can help you carry the burden? (Psalm 55:22)
     ~Breathing Spiritually : Confession, Repentance, and filling of The Holy Spirit
9.) Join a campus ministry, find a church, get invested in a Bible Study. It's hard, but you make friends and are encouraged to continue your walk with Christ and challenge your spiritual growth. 
10.) Love your friends, roommates, and family even (especially) when it's hard. 
11.) As the realization of our own sin grows, our appreciation for what Jesus did for us on the cross grows. (The Gospel-Centered Life), 
12.) The library is one of the most wonderful places a person can be (other than their bed). I already kind of knew this, but Georgia Southern's library is magical.
13.) Hugs aren't a grotesque invention. They're nice sometimes. (I'm still not a hugger though)
14.) Sleep.
15.) Surrender is a daily thing, not a once in a lifetime thing. 
16.) Prayer is so powerful and awesome and it works in ways that we cannot even fathom. If I have questions I should ask Him, if I'm scared I should run to Him, and if I'm tired I should rest in Him. (I learned that in Cru.)

"Jesus replied, 'You don't understand what I'm doing now, but someday you will.'" John 13:7

I have a grey notebook covered in gold flowers that I keep around when I need to write. It's faux leather, and in it I have taped pictures from my mission trip to New York City and movie stubs and the likes, so that as I get older I'll be able to remember all of the happenings in my teenage years- the good, the bad, and the ugly. In it, are my many letters to God.

The book has become my peaceful place - where I am free to scribble down all of the jumbles of mishaps strung throughout my brain and where I welcome The Lord to untangle my many questions. 

It sits in my chair, beside my bed, in the backseat of my car. All of my fears, struggles, and happiness are ink embedded within its pages. 

From it, today, I want to share with you some of the going ons, the crazies that I've been going through recently. As much as I love blogging, I fight with writers' block on a regular basis - what do people want to read? Are my words meaningful to others? Is this my calling or does God have something completely different in mind? Am I being intentional with my words? Who am I writing to? Why am I writing?

I'm not sure where to go to college because I don't know if I want a degree in creative writing or not. 

Some people say that while I'm working on transitioning my blog into a business that I can keep myself on my feet by working as an English teacher. (There's many other suggestions, this is just one) I have a little problem with that, however. 

If there is a God, and He created the Heavens and Earth, and He strategically placed each galaxy in the sky, and each solar system within each galaxy, and then pointed to where the planets would align in the solar systems, how could I not teach writing about Him?

And if there is a God, and He made man, and He chose man to be very good over all of the good creation that he placed together with deep thought, and He allowed man to choose whether or not they would walk with Him during their lifetimes, how could I not speak of Him?

Along with that, if there is a God, and He loved man so much that because man was sinful and because God could not be in the presence of sin, God volunteered His One and Only heir to the throne, His Son Jesus, to take upon the punishment of every man and woman who has lived, is living, and will ever live so that they MIGHT choose to dwell in eternity with Him forever, if I did not spend the rest of every day of my life reflecting a portion (because I know not fully of the love He has, because He is God and I am flesh) of His grace, His kindness, His love back to the rest of the world, then my life would be for not. 

Every word I write points back to my Jesus. If not for Him, I would not even have the ability to use them. I write about Him, to Him, for Him, and with Him. So how am I going to walk into a school and teach people to write, when the only thing I want or care about writing about is Christ?

This is but one of my hold ups. 

I fear the motions. 

I don't want to be the girl who could have been used by God but chose not to because of her fear of being different. 

I don't want to be the girl who gets to Heaven, and The Lord looks into her eyes and says, "I created you for so much more than you allowed me to use."

I don't want to be the girl who lets souls get away because she's too scared to upset them, or shake them up, or push them away. 

I want to be the girl who does everything in her power, everything, to make sure that people are introduced to the incredible, earth shattering, power of The Living Christ. 

I want to be the girl who walks through the gates of Heaven, and The Lord looks upon with tears welling up in His eyes and says, "Well done, you good and faithful servant." 

I want to push people to question the validity of God, because when they really do, when they are willing to get on their knees and ask Him to reveal Himself to them in the mightiest way possible, even if it's hard to handle, I believe He will. 

Because my God is The God of goosebumps,
He's The God of tears of joy, who makes the heart race and dance,
and The God who makes you blush, the deep red flustery kind.
He's The God of belly laughter, of second chances,
my God is The God who allows the upending of your life to prove He's real.
He's The God of lifting, He'll carry you through the depths of brokenness,
He's holds the key to endless days,
and He'll never, ever leave. 

I want my life to be lived with more purpose than that of what I could do by myself. 

I can't speak of my Jesus as a teacher and reach people the way I crave to reach them. 

And yet I don't know my calling. I don't know where to go for college, or if I'm ever going to get married because The Lord knows I've never even come close to going on a date. 

Honestly, I don't even know if I'm going to college.

I just know I want to treat people with kindness, and only let wholesome talk leave my lips. I want to honor Him, serve Him, and I want people to know that they can come to me with their pain, with their crazy, and not have to worry about what I'll think of them, because of my devotion to Him. 

I don't want to deny my faith in order to fit in and be accepted. 

And I find that sometimes, I inadvertently do. 

My dad once told me that the road to sanctification is a long one, it's never ending in this lifetime and it will forever have potholes and detours because it takes an old, worn down tire to make us really appreciate the new one that we put on when pulled over on the side of the road.  

I will never reach a point where I can go, “There. All of my goals have been achieved, I am exactly the person I'd always dreamed I'd be.” It won't happen. As much as I try to make it work I will always fall short because I am not perfect. I'm crazy and flawed.

But as Jesus once said, “I will be with you always,” (Matt. 28:19-20) I believe that in His perfection and in His will, we can change things. Call me insane and cliché, but my dream is for us to change the world.

My Jesus dream is that one day He'll give me the courage to tell my friends at lunch about His mercy. I won't be afraid of what they think, that they'll stop inviting me to their bonfires, or push me away because they hate the idea of being tied down to a deity that they can't see.

And then maybe, I'll be able to speak to FCA about how revival in school starts with us. We've got to be willing to be vulnerable with the student body, acknowledge our imperfection, and make the adjustments necessary in our speech and actions. Because no, numbers don't matter but in a school of 1600 students there should be more than 10 going to FCA on Friday mornings. We need to demonstrate our passion for Christ and show students that He's alive and that He loves and that He is in pursuit of their hearts despite the fact that they push Him away.

My Jesus dream is that I'll choose Jesus over all of the other things my heart cries out for, like novels and clothes and movies, and I'll spend time with Him daily. And then I might find a group of people I can connect with, who love Him the way I do, and who want to be known by me and know me.

I don't have a plan after that. Maybe get married?? Maybe not. Maybe have kids?? Maybe not. Maybe go to college?? Who knows. I want all of these things but I want Him more. And He'll tell me what to do when He's ready and my Jesus dream is that when He does I'll be ready.

I'll be ready for the potholes and the roadkill and whatever else lies before me because I'll be walking with Him. I'll be ready for the hard and the holy things because I will be walking with my Heavenly Father. I'll be set apart and ready to be molded into whatever and whomever He decides.

My Jesus dream is that I won't be scared anymore. Not of what my parents or friends believe about my life, not about finances or what the next day holds because I'll be focused on putting one foot in front of the other and helping those He puts in my path, in my book, along the way. Because who knows how long they'll be there so it's important that I speak up and share Him with them now.

​My Jesus dream is that when He calls me to drop my nets of fish and leave my home and follow Him, I'll be running to catch up with no question formed on my lips. Because I know who my master is.

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And if you've made it this far in the post, I thank you for listening to my never ending run-on sentences. This is a culmination of two months journal entries. We're getting there. "What Makes Holy" is still lying blank in the beginning of my journal. It'll probably remain that way because I'll forever be learning. But The Lord is giving me the strength to fight the temptation to eat the fruit on my trees and reach out to those who can't find their way.

I've think I'm crazy. But I'd rather be crazy and sanctified through Jesus than sane and hellbound.

Know that there is no pit so deep that The Lord's love is not deeper still and all of your crazies and all of your tangles of messes in your mind can be untangled by The God who straightens His children out.

"It is peace to leave it all with Him, asking only that He do with me anything He wants, anywhere He wants, anytime that God may be glorified." ~Elizabeth Elliot 

I remember the first moment I got behind the wheel of a car like it was yesterday. Partly because my little cousins remind me of it every time I see them and partly because it's kind of funny in a humiliating way.

I think it was probably a year or so before I was allowed to get my permit and my dad learned to drive early so he thought he'd keep the tradition alive.

I'm sitting in the driver's seat on a random afternoon, fiddling with the mirrors and I can hardly contain my excitement - I get the privilege of pulling the car into the garage.

My dad stands next to the door in the garage and he's directing me to where I need to go, instructing me on how to avoid hitting the sides of the garage and not to pull the wheel too hard.

This nervous, jittery thrill pulsed through my veins and I honestly wasn't listening to a word he said because I just wanted to pull into the garage.

He said, "Ok now I want you to let the emergency brake down and take your foot off the brake."

The moment had come. I did what I was told and listened to what he said next.

"You did it?" (insert eager shake of the head). "Good job. Now I want you to press the gas and then--"

and then he was laid out on the hood of my car.

He was laid out on the hood of my car because I hit him with it.

I hit him with it because I laid my foot down on the gas.

Luckily, when I hit him I slammed on the brakes and didn't run through the front door of my house.

He lived. And he was lucky because I didn't hit the house (But no worries, several years later I would actually hit the house).

My history of wrecking things doesn't end there. I catch kitchen equipment on fire. I spill my lunch trays on my friends as I'm sitting down to eat. And thats only if I'm lucky enough to avoid dropping them on the lunchroom floor on the way to my seat, because yes, I am that person, and yes, custodians hated me in elementary school.

In all honesty, I'm a mess. and so is my life. and so is my bedroom.

I'm a walking, talking tornado. And if you ask my mom, I do a crappy job at cleaning up what I destroy in my wake.

And there are moments through the midst of all of these messes, that usually end up with my face beet red and flustered, that I question whether or not I am chosen.

Why would a perfect, Holy God choose someone so small as me?

Why would He want to pay attention to a 17-year old girl who has no plans for her future, no extraordinary hobbies, no winning smile?

In these moments, like David, I wonder,

"Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?"
--Psalm 13:1–2

For how long, Father will I feel like a failure?

And so I start talking to my parents. I start reading my Bible. I start scouring over my most-trusted blog favorites and I start praying.

And as I scramble for answers, for a reason to keep on messing things up, just as I begin to feel like I am going to drown in the chaos of my furious storm, just as the waves come crashing onto my boat, just as I begin to panic, He goes, "You of so little faith, why are you so afraid?"

And then I feel God's calm cover my storm, just as He did the disciples' storm in Matthew 8:23-27.

He covers it in little things, like an A on my report card. Or a smile from a stranger. Or a really funny movie. And sometimes it's as simple as being able to get up when my alarm goes off.

He counsels me in the middle of my confusion and doubt.

And I will rejoice in my Lord always.

We are chosen despite our messes. And He uses our messes to remind us and others of His perfection.

Because even though I might never know how to properly use a microwave, my spirit will forever be fed by my Provider.

And even though there are moments that I wonder how on His beautiful green Earth I passed the drivers' test, His guiding hand will never leave my side.

So don't you ever forget that He will never leave yours.

“You have made known to
me the path of life; you fill me
with joy in your presence, with eternal
pleasures at your right hand"
--Psalm 16:11

​If you're like me, don't quit making messes. Well, learn from my mistake and don't hit your house with a car. But don't be afraid to be who you are because The Lord is going to glorify Himself through your life so long as you say, "I do".

Ps. Honda the Honda Accord (I'm creative at coming up with names) is still going strong. Her white (from the house) and crimson (from my friend's car) (yes, I've hit more than simply my dad and my house) scars brighten up her gold paint. We've lived a happy and adventurous 6 months together.

Maybe you're wondering why I took the liberty of writing you a letter rather than just telling you this word vomit in person. I mean I live with you so it would appear to be simpler. But I'm writing to you because there are a lot of things I don't know how to say out loud without situations getting really awkward and sap isn't really our thing. But in this moment, I welcome it.

I want you to know that in everything you do, you'll always have a person standing next to you, whether you happen to be in the wrong or the right (hint: it's me). Nothing you do will ever make me look at you in a different light other than the occasional "you're kinda stupid" face and that's just because sometimes you are and I have rights to it because I'm your sister. But honestly, there's really nothing you can do to separate yourself from me. We're permanently linked (ha, sucker). 

Even though you don't think I understand all of the important dramatics of the 9th grade, I do. I've been there (only just 2 years ago) and I know how the boys act stupid and self absorbed whereas the girls can be catty. In fact, I'm sure there's been a time or two where I played the part.

You need to understand that life is full of unnecessary drama and misguided intentions and accidents that will suck royally. But they will never damage you unless you let them. So when you come home crying because he stopped texting you I want you to remember that though it hurts now, one day you'll laugh at how silly you were to be chasing a little boy who was blinded to the extraordinary significance that is you.

Because no boy's opinion of you can ever measure up to God's design for you. 

(PS. texting isn't a sincere form of communication therefore don't use it as a form of endearment. A heart eyes emoji will only get you so far in life (aka nowhere).)
(PPS. so I think it'd be good idea if you laid off the relationships based solely on texting for a while (or forever, whatever floats your boat).)

Thank you for not playing a part in the role of "mean girl" and please mind that your actions, especially your words, determine whether or not someone sees the light of Jesus within you. Don't let your feelings dictate whether or not someone else should know of the glorious gift that Christ freely gives to all people, because the people you dislike need Him just as much as you do. 

Know that you are my favorite person in this whole gigantic world and that even though there are moments that I would love to stick my finger in a light socket rather than goof off with you, they are nothing in comparison to the many thoughts that fly across my brain daily thinking of how to make you laugh or impress you. I look up to your lightheartedness and the simple ways you make people feel special and important and worthy of your time. 

Just because other people aren't like you doesn't mean you should stop being yourself. God made you uniquely. He has given you a purpose. And even though you aren't sure of what it is now, one day He'll show you. And you'll be in awe of how cool it is. 

Thank you for being great at directions, I don't know if I'd be able to get anywhere without your mapping skills and you're a great car companion despite the fact that you won't open the windows when you fart. And thanks for not making too much fun of me when I forget that the break pedal isn't the gas pedal and that right turn means right turn and not left. 

I look forward to spending the rest of my life with a best friend like you by my side and I'm excited to get the opportunity to spoil your future children and vacation together and see all of the wonderful things that The Lord has in store for your life. 

You're a really swell person.

Sincerely, Lex
​

Every week almost for the past year, my AP Language and Composition class has held discussions on the importance of certain controversial topics occurring throughout the nation. We've covered foreign allegiance, racial prejudice, aged literature, and are now talking about feminism. Writings like, Shakespeare's Sister, In Search of our Mother's Gardens, Beauty, and The Clan of the One Breasted Women have been rhetorically analyzed and picked apart to no end for the past month.

Yesterday in our little circle of 7 or 8 people, we analyzed the importance of religion (in the story's case, Mormonism) in regards to, The Clan of the One Breasted Women. We came to the section in the story where the author talks about how in the Mormon religion, "authority is respected, obedience is revered, and independent thinking is not. [She] was taught as a young girl not to "make waves" or "rock the boat" (Terry Tempest Williams). Some of the girls in my group then began talking about how this is expected because The Bible says that, "women are to remain quiet" (1 Tim. 2:12), and, "should be in submission [at the church]" (1 Cor. 14:34). It then began to sound like they (the girls in the discussion) felt the Bible restricted women from living their lives and being themselves.

This greatly saddened me because the Bible has taught me so much more about womanhood than just those few verses. I believe they are meant to remind women that God has uniquely ordained men to lead us, just as Jesus leads His bride, the church. I believe we are meant to respect our husbands and that our purpose is not to lead congregations in ministry - I believe this because I believe that every word spoken in the Bible is true.

But I want girls to know that the Bible is not meant to take away our passions, livelihood, and careers- in fact it gives us many. Through it, The Lord gives us our confidence (Proverbs 3:26) and our identity (1 Peter 2:9).

As cliche as it sounds, as I grow into the woman that God has predestined me to become and as my friends grow into the women that God has known them to be since before they were even thought of, I pray that The Lord will bless us with:

The strength of Deborah and Jael to fight on the good side of this spiritual warfare between God and the devil as God enabled them to fight their enemies in Judges 4 and 5,

The angel who protected Hagar as she was excluded and ostracized due to her enslavement and unwanted pregnancy in Genesis,

The surrender of Hannah as she willingly gave her son to the church in praise to The Lord for blessing her with a child in 1 Samuel,

The courage of Esther to fight for the lives of her people and call out Haman who sought out to destroy her cousin Mordecai in the book of Esther,

The patience of Noah's wife as she waited for the promise of deliverance from the great flood in Genesis 6-8,

The trust that the prostitute, Rahab, had to God in protecting His people in the book of Joshua, as she hid them from soldiers seeking their destruction. Her identity was no longer in the fact that she sold her body to other men, but in the fact that she was one of Jesus Himself's ancestors,

The loyalty of Ruth to her mother-in-law, Naomi, and her unwavering love for her despite the fact that they no longer held relation to one another,

The faith of Mary, Jesus' mother, in God to bear His child despite the rumors and lies circulating due to the fact that she had yet been wed to Joseph,

The witness of Mary Magdalene as she was the first to see Jesus after His resurrection. God gave her significance in His story of redeeming humanity,

The ears of Mary and the hospitality of Martha as Mary knew when to be still and listen to Jesus' stories and Martha knew to welcome others into her home,

And finally, the excitement and passion that the woman at the well had to hearing that Jesus has the living water needed for eternal life,

These are just a few of the incredible stories that the Bible illustrates the importance in the roles of women.

My conclusion to the feminist discussions in class is this - you are meant for more than idle sitting. You are more than the shine in your hair and the size of your breasts and the length of your legs. You are meant for more than white picket fences and mini vans.

You are meant to dwell in the fact that The Lord has made your existence to be more purposeful and extremely awesome than the expectations that the world has bestowed upon us. You are meant to dwell in the peace of knowing that your Heavenly Father sent His son Jesus to die on a cross for you. And you are meant to share that news with the rest of the world be it your children, your boss, coworkers, parents, or friends.

Those women made waves in Jesus' story. They rocked the Bible's boat. God made them significant, and He gives us value too.

You don't have to feel like the Bible confines you to a certain standard to uphold. Live as The Lord calls you to live - as a business owner, counselor, principal, doctor, housewife, mother, or accountant.

And understand that He made you not to be just "good," but, "very good."

This letter is to the one sitting in the back of the room. To the one standing alone, observing the world going round -- without them involved. This letter is to you who rarely speaks a word because no one dares breathe one in your direction.

You precious, significant soul. 

My heart breaks for you. It breaks for you in a way that none other can ever compare. 

It's so difficult to throw yourself out there, to wear your heart out on your sleeve, to be vulnerable in front of a people who fail to understand -- a people who might never understand.

It's so hard to crack a cheesy joke, laugh your obnoxious laugh, or dance your favorite jig because maybe they'll think yours doesn't make any sense. Or maybe in their eyes, you'll be too loud, too weird, too abnormal to continue to hang out with. 

Maybe you can't volunteer to play that game because you'll mess up and your team will tear you to pieces for costing them the win. 

You can't share a secret because no one has ever dealt with the same stuff that you have and if they knew who you really were you'd be ostracized and persecuted -- so you stay out of their lives anyway.

I know you. 

I've been a lonely before,

and in a lot of ways I still am lonely. 

I know because for a little under a year I struggled with an addiction to pornography. At the same time, I was a 10-year old girl. I felt like my parents would hate me, my friends would ditch me, and my church family would resent me. In my childlike eyes, my sin tainted my very being and I couldn't speak about it in fear of ending up alone. To avoid the emptiness of being left by everyone I loved, I isolated myself from them. I walked away -- and ended up lonely anyway.

I know because on the first day of seventh grade I sat alone in a room full of strangers, anxiously waiting for a familiar face to walk through the door of my homeroom class. Instead a girl strutted in asking the "popular" table who she'd sit with if they didn't pull up a chair and when one of them suggested me, she looked me in the eye and replied, "No, she's ugly". For the rest of the day and for the majority of the year, I sat alone.  

I know because my freshman year in the high school department at church was spent on the back row. I hated going, I hated the "church faces", and I hated the fact that I failed to fit in to the place that was supposed to feel the most like home. 

My loneliness is not my story though -- and neither is yours. 

Our loneliness here on Earth is a testament to the never-ending pursuit of our Friend and Father who will one day be with us for the rest of eternity.

I know this to be true because as a 10-year old girl sobbing in her bedroom in the middle of the night, begging her Heavenly Father to save her orphaned soul, He did. And it was in the most embarrassing way possible because no one wants to look their dad in the eye and tell him that they'd been watching people on the internet committing vulgar and tasteless acts. But He saved me because despite my own personal vulgar and tasteless act -- He is still good. 

I know this to be true because even though I walked the halls of seventh grade by myself, in eighth He blessed me with the kind of best friend that lasts for life. And we have our differences and issues but I have no doubt in my mind that if I need her, she will be there and the same will be reciprocated for her. 

--My sophomore year of high school, He blessed my with a core friend group including two other girls who pursue The Lord and walk life with me. 

I know this to be true because at the end of my freshman year as I was sitting in the darkness on a Wednesday night worshipping The Lord by myself, I saw out of the corner of my eye one of the senior guys at the time turn towards one of the sophomore girls and ask her to go sit with me. And she did. 

So maybe right now you're drowning in solitude. 

But know that The Lord is your ultimate companion. Because He provides for all of our needs, and even if His plan for right now is that you walk some miles without the company of other human beings, He'll be with you every step of the way.

So please throw the frisbee as hard as you can in that game of frisbee golf -- aim for someone's hands but if you miss, brush it off and let your team's frustration roll off you like the sweat dripping off your brow.

Laugh as loudly as you want because eventually everyone else will be laughing too and even though it might be at you, they'll like your uniqueness and consider you genuine for it -- if they're cool. Feel free to throw in a snort every once in a while to keep them on their toes. 

And hey, I'm still struggling with this too because its life and life is hard so know that you aren't walking through loneliness alone.

Because you are not alone.

Sincerely,
                  A fellow wayfaring stranger

The day I got on a plane and flew to New York City was a day spent without expectation. You see, I had been so swamped with homework in the weeks prior that I had no time to dream about what it might be like. I'm now thankful for that flood of a mess because rather than experiencing the hustle and bustle of the famous city with assumption, I went with an open heart and mind to simply follow Jesus. 

My prayer for the week was requesting that The Lord would take Roswell Street's five loaves of bread and two fish and multiply them in the type of abundance that blessed Jesus' 5,000 listeners. 

The first eye-opening experience I had was on the plane the way there. I had never been on one before and so I looked out the window the entire time. It was extremely obvious when we began flying over New York because there were so many buildings and everything was packed in very tightly. Everything was so tiny and looking down on the microscopic cars I understood how small I am. My problems are so microscopic and it's so easy to allow myself to be consumed by my issues that I forget the needs of others. It humbled me and allowed me to step outside of myself and focus on the needs of other people. 

It's incredible how even though we are so tiny that God would give up His son to live amongst us and then die by our hand. He cares for us no matter our size. How awesome is it that He would even spend time teaching me of this immense blessing through the simplicity of the window seat of an airplane? 

I've asked several other people who went on the trip to describe one of the moments that struck their hearts the most. There were so many different perspectives and I'm so glad I get to share them with you:

Lizzie B, age 15: "Last year I went to DC with my school and went to the 9/11 memorial at the Pentagon. It was an amazing time and spoke to my heart. Our teachers asked us to pick a person and to pray for their families when we could and I picked Patrick J. Murphy. When we went to the 9/11 museum in NYC there was an exhibit where you could search people's names and have background information and pictures of them. I did not expect anything to actually come up. His name was there and when it popped up I could feel God moving in my heart because I had been praying for this faceless person's family, who I now had a story for. It was truly a God-given moment for me and I feel greatly impacted by it."

Elias A, age 13: "People were not what I thought New Yorkers to be like. I asked people if they had time to take a survey and they openly said yes. Also, they were open and honest about not only the neighborhood but their personal beliefs."

Lexie L, age 15: "When we were in the security check for the 9/11 museum they told me I had to take out all my snacks. I had a lot so I started getting everything out and my Bible was in the same pocket on top of everything so I took that out first and the lady who was standing there looked at it and asked, "Is that a Bible?", and I said yes and I continued to try to take all of my snacks out. She then says, " You know what, it's fine just keep them in there and throw this away (pointing at my drink), but don't tell anyone." and she smiled at me and I really think that that was cool because she saw my Bible."

​Stacy A, age 18: "Well the trip had its ups and downs but my favorite part was the time we went to Starbucks and engaged in a conversation with an elderly lady who used to be a dancer. She was so loving and you could tell that she loved that we took the time to engage her and listen to her tell a piece of her story. It's just something about listening and hearing people talk to you and the stories they carry along with them and bring to you. That was my favorite part."

Chris W, High School Minister & Jeremiah V, age 19: "We met a man sitting on a park bench in the Flatiron District, a neighborhood in the New York City borough of Manhattan. We were hesitant to approach him, he looked busy. We found the courage and the conversation began to unfold. At first it was small talk asking about the neighborhood, his favorite restaurants, local businesses, and such. He immediately began talking about several different restaurants that we should try. We actually took time to eat at one of them during lunch that day. The Shake Shack burgers are really good! As we continued our conversation we were able to share our view on God: that we believe in the Bible and that Jesus is the son of God. He disagreed but respectfully carried on the conversation. After a 40 minute conversation we asked if he had any prayer requests that we could pray with him about. At that point tears begin falling from his eyes. He described that his daughter had been distancing herself from him and that they were once close; she had all but walked out of his life. We discovered that he was sitting on the park bench after trying to reach out to his daughter at NYU just down the street and had been rejected. We were able to pray for him, for his daughter, and for the restoration of their relationship! After our prayer he gave us a big hug, looked us in the eyes, and thanked us. As we walked away we realized that everyone has a story no matter how busy they may look or how well they seem to have it together. People are searching for answers and looking for hope."

Monette L, age 16: "My favorite thing about going on the mission trip to New York was getting to know the people of my church. I went with around 30 other kids and by the end of the trip I'd gotten to know each and every one just a little bit more. It's an amazing feeling to know that you got one step closer to friendship with someone you previously believed didn't like you. And that alone made the journey more than worth it, and yet God still gave me so many more amazing experiences to go along with it. He still put me in situations and places that drew me even closer than I was after discovering that feeling, and I guess that's what impacted me the most."

One of the most common phrases people come home with post-mission trip goes along the lines of, "I left my heart in [insert city/country]." I never understood the concept of that statement until I realized the true intent of it. 

No, I did not leave my heart in New York City. However, when I was there I handed it away to whomever I came in contact with. You might say that that's a bad thing, giving one's heart away is painful. I don't mean it in the girl-gives-heart-to-boy context. 

I had the opportunity to introduce people who resented the name of God to Jesus. Through boldly stepping up and speaking even when unwanted, my church family and I got to share the gift of eternal life with many broken-hearted wanderers.

We vulnerably gave the experiences we've had with Jesus to anyone who was willing to take them. 

We shared that no, Jesus does not expect anything of them regarding rules and regulations.

Jesus wants to consume every fiber of their being, He wants to peruse their hearts, He wants them to share themselves with Him, He wants to walk life with them, and He wants to spend eternity with them.

We got the opportunity to open doors that had never even been unlocked. There were people who let us peek over the edges of the walls they had built up surrounding their hearts their entire lives.

They were introduced to Jesus, and now my family and I pray that God would provide more opportunities for them to come in contact with Him and that eventually the lost in New York will one day be found.  

"I have one desire now - to live a life full of reckless abandon for The Lord, putting all my strength and energy into it." - Elisabeth Elliot