Come quickly, Lord

2 Corinthians 4:8-12 says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that His life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

These words hit home so hard right now. As I look around at all that God's done in and through my life and the lives of those around me, my breath can't help but catch at just how glorious He truly is. 

I enjoy my major, I have the most incredible friends, I get to pour into the lives of some beautiful freshman girls, I just came home from a mission trip in a city that wrecked my life in the most beautiful way possible,

and my heart is just completely broken. 

"For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs on my head, and my heart fails within me... I am poor and needy, may The Lord think of me." Psalm 40

I didn't know that if you asked God to reveal sin in your life and to help you learn to surrender that He actually would. I'm not sure if I just didn't believe what I was praying, or if I simply failed to believe that God was the type to answer those kinds of prayers. 

One day I asked Him if He'd break my heart for what breaks His in the city of Statesboro. I'd been very apathetic to being home from Miami, didn't want to be back at school, and was wishing my life back in the city where I'd been blessed beautiful community with a heart for such broken people. I wanted to want to be back home. 

Driving around with a friend the other day, I was just completely unloading how un-inlove I felt with God. In previous posts I've spoken about how out of touch with my emotions I am in regard to The Lord, how I cannot feel His presence, how I'm not sure how to even ask Him to move my heart. 

We talked about Mark 12:20 which says, "Love The Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength," and she asked if maybe it was possible that I hadn't given Him my heart.

My first reaction was, of course! But upon more thought, I realized that there were probably some rooms inside it that I hadn't unlocked for Him. There were others that I might have let Him see but not unpack the boxes and clean the messes. My soul is washed in the blood, I am redeemed, but there are cracks and crevices inside that I hold onto with fear that they might be handled in ways that I don't want them to.

What if He calls me to give up even more than what I already have - my desires for marriage or kids? What will I do if I don't get to be a businesswoman in nonprofits? 

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

Am I believing what The Word says about who Jesus is, trusting Him with my mind and my knowledge, being obedient to His call to share the gospel, but not surrendering my whole heart - my emotions, feelings, experiences, desires - to Him? Am I believing Him when He says, "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh?" (Ezekiel 36:26)

Do I retreat from my Father when I feel Him calling more of me to Himself? Do I treat Him as if He's going to leave me, break me, abuse me? Do I harden my heart towards Him?

I felt Him speak to my spirit that suppressing my disdain for parts of life and bitterness towards others is not the same as surrender. Pretending like I'm not broken does not make me less broken. It makes me prideful. 

How can He break my heart for what breaks His when I haven't given it to Him in the first place?

Well, I have nowhere else to go, no-one else to turn to. I know how good and faithful He is, I've seen it and experienced it before. This isn't the end, there's still so much work to do. He's given me people to love, pour into, share the gospel with, learn with, and grow with. 

Life doesn't end just because it gets hard. 

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? Run that you might obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Now that we've experienced the saving graces of Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection, we are compelled and enabled to share it with others! Not for ourselves, our egos, or reputation! But so that they might know who He is and how much He loves them and how much He desires to know them!

Thats why sanctification is so beautiful - the more I understand the depths of my sinfulness, the more I fall for The Lord's reckless, intentional love for His child. It's a joy. And it's uncomfortable, heart-wrenching, and chaotic. 

But it gives us a heart for the lost. 

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of The Father, we too may live a new life. For we have been united with Him in a death like His, we will certainly also be united with Him in a resurrection like His. For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been set free from sin." Romans 6:1-7

Oswald Chambers said in his book My Utmost for His Highest, "The greatest crisis we ever face is the surrender of our will. Yet God never forces a person's will into surrender, and He never begs. He patiently waits until that person willingly yields to Him. And once that battle has been fought, it never needs to be fought again."

​Teach me to surrender, Lord.