To Bring His Name Glory

​Wow. It’s been a super long time since I last posted. Life has gotten a little crazy and many of the words I once used to express myself here have escaped me. 
 
I stopped blogging because many areas of the world I was living in spiraled out of control, and I could not keep writing without being completely honest. I was writing for attention, approval, and acceptance from those who read what I shared and so I gave it up for a while – finding consolation in my journal rather than online.
 
However, I prayerfully chose to go on mission this summer and promised my prayer partners an update on life and what The Lord would be doing in the hearts of those that my team came in contact with in the next few months. So, I’m going to do that now – and prepare yourself for some brutal honesty here in the next few minutes, because one of the hearts He’s been pursuing has been mine – and I’m going to share that with you too. 
 
On June 2nd, my friend Lauren and I packed our belongings up into my little, brown CRV and drove 12 hours to the very tip of Florida, a huge melting pot of a city, called Miami (I’m sure you’ve heard of it). The entire duration of our little road trip consisted of talk of turning back, running away from our fears of the unknown and back into the arms of our loved ones. I didn’t want the traffic, I didn’t want a foreign bed, I didn’t want roommates as strangers, or even the uncomfortable process of growing in my faith. I wanted home – comfort. 
 
And then we got here. And I didn’t know my roommates, I lost my voice on the second day because I caught a horrible cold (no one knew what I actually sounded like for a whole week), driving in the city terrified me, the metromover terrified me, the hundreds of other languages terrified me, evangelism terrified me, and I felt completely out of place. 
 
But then God’s goodness completely wrecked my view of myself. 
 
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.” Colossians 3:1-4
 
If you’ve read my posts before, you know that I was exposed to pornography at the age of 10 by someone very close to me at the time (if you haven’t read my blog, you now know haha). What first began as childlike curiosity quickly manifested into lust, and before I even realized it, I was struggling with an addiction that left me feeling completely isolated, alone, and unworthy. It’s something that as I’ve come to know The Lord, I’ve seen redemption and freedom in fleeing the psychological effects of a child accustomed to the dehumanization of other people. Where I once experienced numbness to the value of humanity in God’s eyes, I became compelled to love others deeper than the surface of their skin – not because of anything I did, but because of what Jesus did for the world on the cross. 
But with addiction comes remission and relapse. And I experienced so much guilt in my out-of-control, lonely relapses. I wondered how I could want God and sexual pleasure, how I could choose what The Bible calls a sin over my relationship with The Lord, and how I could numb myself to the shame in order to fulfill my temporary desires. So, I quit writing here. Oftentimes we don’t share our struggles until we’ve overcome them – and that’s how I wanted it to be. However, I’ve come to understand that I’m never going to be without sin because, well, I am human. I will struggle with, fall to, and flee my human desires until my Heavenly Father calls me home to Himself. The beauty of His extended grace is that nothing I can ever do – or not do – can earn me a spot in eternal paradise. 
 
He took care of my future, and did even more than that:
 
Because The Lord gives me the strength to lay my temptations on the altar of my heart (on which He sits) every morning, and run from them when experiencing physical and emotional triggers throughout my day – in pursuit of Him. And it’s a joy to fill my spirit with The Word daily, knowing that true satisfaction doesn’t come from in front of a screen but from a Savior who cared enough to leave Heaven and endure Earth for my sake. 
 
I write all of that to say that I’ve learned not to be ashamed of my story, it will be used for the glory of God, it will be used by Him to draw others to Himself, and I count it a privilege and a blessing to be a part in the growing of Heaven here on earth. 
 
“For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption and the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:13-14
 
I’ve learned that humans are hungry for answers, they desire spiritual conversations, and they want to be a part of a design that is greater than themselves – and we, as believers, are called to share with them what their hearts long for – that there is one God who loves us all enough to forsake Himself and defeat the grave so that we might spend forever in His presence. How cool is that???
 
“For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him [Jesus], and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through His blood, shed on the cross.” Colossians 1:19-20
 
I’ve learned than in our greatest failures, The Lord reveals Himself in ways unexpected, in radical, life-changing, unexplainable ways that leave no question as to whom was behind the situation. 
 
“Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church.” Colossians 1:24
 
In the past 22 days of living here, I’ve learned to trust God more, embrace the uncomfortable while expecting God to move in ways that I cannot anticipate, and leave the results of faithfulness to Him – for everything that I am enabled to do for Christ is in His own strength. 
 
“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:7
 
The roads are now not so terrifying, my job is exciting, my roommates are an absolute joy to be in the presence of, learn from, and grow with, and I’m seeing God move in this stunning city – not only through the hearts of those on my team but through the hearts of those we come in contact with. Praise God that we’ve seen two people give their lives to Christ. 
 
“After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: Salvation belongs to out God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” Revelation 7:9-10
 
I ask that you pray for those on my team who have yet to find jobs, that they will not only find them quickly – but that The Lord will bless them with jobs that provide for their needs.
 
I ask that you pray for endurance as our staff leaves next week and we begin the process of living on our own. May peace that surpasses our own understanding be with us as we grow together as a team and trust The Lord to move abundantly on the college campuses of Florida Atlantic University, Florida International University, and Miami University in the coming weeks. 
 
I ask that you pray for the hearts of those we come in contact with – that they will be softened to the gospel and that their ears will open to hear what The Lord wishes for them to hear. May the words from our mouths not be our own, but words that come directly from The Holy Spirit living within us. 
 
Lastly, I ask that you pray that our summer mission will be fully funded – that those who are here will receive the support they need to live here, and that God will provide the means to stay. If this is something that you would be interested in learning more about, please click here: https://give.cru.org/1003750/
 
“May we never yawn at something for which our Savior bled. Instead, may we labor and long for the future that awaits us: the most diverse community in the history of the world, gathers as one around the throne of the Lamb.” – Doug Logan