What Makes Holy

I have a grey notebook covered in gold flowers that I keep around when I need to write. It's faux leather, and in it I have taped pictures from my mission trip to New York City and movie stubs and the likes, so that as I get older I'll be able to remember all of the happenings in my teenage years- the good, the bad, and the ugly. In it, are my many letters to God.

The book has become my peaceful place - where I am free to scribble down all of the jumbles of mishaps strung throughout my brain and where I welcome The Lord to untangle my many questions. 

It sits in my chair, beside my bed, in the backseat of my car. All of my fears, struggles, and happiness are ink embedded within its pages. 

From it, today, I want to share with you some of the going ons, the crazies that I've been going through recently. As much as I love blogging, I fight with writers' block on a regular basis - what do people want to read? Are my words meaningful to others? Is this my calling or does God have something completely different in mind? Am I being intentional with my words? Who am I writing to? Why am I writing?

I'm not sure where to go to college because I don't know if I want a degree in creative writing or not. 

Some people say that while I'm working on transitioning my blog into a business that I can keep myself on my feet by working as an English teacher. (There's many other suggestions, this is just one) I have a little problem with that, however. 

If there is a God, and He created the Heavens and Earth, and He strategically placed each galaxy in the sky, and each solar system within each galaxy, and then pointed to where the planets would align in the solar systems, how could I not teach writing about Him?

And if there is a God, and He made man, and He chose man to be very good over all of the good creation that he placed together with deep thought, and He allowed man to choose whether or not they would walk with Him during their lifetimes, how could I not speak of Him?

Along with that, if there is a God, and He loved man so much that because man was sinful and because God could not be in the presence of sin, God volunteered His One and Only heir to the throne, His Son Jesus, to take upon the punishment of every man and woman who has lived, is living, and will ever live so that they MIGHT choose to dwell in eternity with Him forever, if I did not spend the rest of every day of my life reflecting a portion (because I know not fully of the love He has, because He is God and I am flesh) of His grace, His kindness, His love back to the rest of the world, then my life would be for not. 

Every word I write points back to my Jesus. If not for Him, I would not even have the ability to use them. I write about Him, to Him, for Him, and with Him. So how am I going to walk into a school and teach people to write, when the only thing I want or care about writing about is Christ?

This is but one of my hold ups. 

I fear the motions. 

I don't want to be the girl who could have been used by God but chose not to because of her fear of being different. 

I don't want to be the girl who gets to Heaven, and The Lord looks into her eyes and says, "I created you for so much more than you allowed me to use."

I don't want to be the girl who lets souls get away because she's too scared to upset them, or shake them up, or push them away. 

I want to be the girl who does everything in her power, everything, to make sure that people are introduced to the incredible, earth shattering, power of The Living Christ. 

I want to be the girl who walks through the gates of Heaven, and The Lord looks upon with tears welling up in His eyes and says, "Well done, you good and faithful servant." 

I want to push people to question the validity of God, because when they really do, when they are willing to get on their knees and ask Him to reveal Himself to them in the mightiest way possible, even if it's hard to handle, I believe He will. 

Because my God is The God of goosebumps,
He's The God of tears of joy, who makes the heart race and dance,
and The God who makes you blush, the deep red flustery kind.
He's The God of belly laughter, of second chances,
my God is The God who allows the upending of your life to prove He's real.
He's The God of lifting, He'll carry you through the depths of brokenness,
He's holds the key to endless days,
and He'll never, ever leave. 

I want my life to be lived with more purpose than that of what I could do by myself. 

I can't speak of my Jesus as a teacher and reach people the way I crave to reach them. 

And yet I don't know my calling. I don't know where to go for college, or if I'm ever going to get married because The Lord knows I've never even come close to going on a date. 

Honestly, I don't even know if I'm going to college.

I just know I want to treat people with kindness, and only let wholesome talk leave my lips. I want to honor Him, serve Him, and I want people to know that they can come to me with their pain, with their crazy, and not have to worry about what I'll think of them, because of my devotion to Him. 

I don't want to deny my faith in order to fit in and be accepted. 

And I find that sometimes, I inadvertently do. 

My dad once told me that the road to sanctification is a long one, it's never ending in this lifetime and it will forever have potholes and detours because it takes an old, worn down tire to make us really appreciate the new one that we put on when pulled over on the side of the road.  

I will never reach a point where I can go, “There. All of my goals have been achieved, I am exactly the person I'd always dreamed I'd be.” It won't happen. As much as I try to make it work I will always fall short because I am not perfect. I'm crazy and flawed.

But as Jesus once said, “I will be with you always,” (Matt. 28:19-20) I believe that in His perfection and in His will, we can change things. Call me insane and cliché, but my dream is for us to change the world.

My Jesus dream is that one day He'll give me the courage to tell my friends at lunch about His mercy. I won't be afraid of what they think, that they'll stop inviting me to their bonfires, or push me away because they hate the idea of being tied down to a deity that they can't see.

And then maybe, I'll be able to speak to FCA about how revival in school starts with us. We've got to be willing to be vulnerable with the student body, acknowledge our imperfection, and make the adjustments necessary in our speech and actions. Because no, numbers don't matter but in a school of 1600 students there should be more than 10 going to FCA on Friday mornings. We need to demonstrate our passion for Christ and show students that He's alive and that He loves and that He is in pursuit of their hearts despite the fact that they push Him away.

My Jesus dream is that I'll choose Jesus over all of the other things my heart cries out for, like novels and clothes and movies, and I'll spend time with Him daily. And then I might find a group of people I can connect with, who love Him the way I do, and who want to be known by me and know me.

I don't have a plan after that. Maybe get married?? Maybe not. Maybe have kids?? Maybe not. Maybe go to college?? Who knows. I want all of these things but I want Him more. And He'll tell me what to do when He's ready and my Jesus dream is that when He does I'll be ready.

I'll be ready for the potholes and the roadkill and whatever else lies before me because I'll be walking with Him. I'll be ready for the hard and the holy things because I will be walking with my Heavenly Father. I'll be set apart and ready to be molded into whatever and whomever He decides.

My Jesus dream is that I won't be scared anymore. Not of what my parents or friends believe about my life, not about finances or what the next day holds because I'll be focused on putting one foot in front of the other and helping those He puts in my path, in my book, along the way. Because who knows how long they'll be there so it's important that I speak up and share Him with them now.

​My Jesus dream is that when He calls me to drop my nets of fish and leave my home and follow Him, I'll be running to catch up with no question formed on my lips. Because I know who my master is.

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And if you've made it this far in the post, I thank you for listening to my never ending run-on sentences. This is a culmination of two months journal entries. We're getting there. "What Makes Holy" is still lying blank in the beginning of my journal. It'll probably remain that way because I'll forever be learning. But The Lord is giving me the strength to fight the temptation to eat the fruit on my trees and reach out to those who can't find their way.

I've think I'm crazy. But I'd rather be crazy and sanctified through Jesus than sane and hellbound.

Know that there is no pit so deep that The Lord's love is not deeper still and all of your crazies and all of your tangles of messes in your mind can be untangled by The God who straightens His children out.

"It is peace to leave it all with Him, asking only that He do with me anything He wants, anywhere He wants, anytime that God may be glorified." ~Elizabeth Elliot